Saturday, February 28, 2009

I am in complete tears......

Okay, so the tears keep flowing and I am not sure when they will stop. It's just over whelming after all we have been through and now this. Who would have ever thought.

Take a look at the link below and you will know and understand why the tears are so real and so many :

The wait is brutal

Today I am going to work on cleaning our house a little at a time. It's been kind of neglected since I have had the egg stuff going on. Jim says it's okay for me to clean as long as I take it easy and do it a little at a time. No heavy lifting, like taking the vacuum downstairs and stuff like that.

Things are still going well I believe. Not having any issues that I shouldn't and still no signs of my friend. Today is now day 7 past what would have been my start date. This gives me the reassurance I need to get me through to Monday's big results. Not going to be easy I am sure but I'm trying to stay as relaxed and stress free as best I can.

I had a dream last night that we got the call and they said we were pg BUT could be more than one based on the tests results. We would not know for sure until the first ultra sound and if my Beta keep increasing at that more than the normal level. Excited we were but man not knowing if that were the case, would it be 2 or all 3. Then I woke up :) lol Perfect timing huh. It was fun and I was all smiles. Had a hard time falling back to sleep but I was okay with that. lol

Friday, February 27, 2009

What is the big deal?

I woke up this morning in a good mood. I knew I was having blood work done today first thing and that meant needleville but I was okay with that. I decided to ask if the lab could call me as well with the results because I really would like to know where my Beta results are registering if at all. The lady wasn't real nice and said no we can't call you because your doctor didn't make that note on the paperwork. Um, whatever. Seriously, they are my results why can I not have them. That put me in a grumpy mood and now I need to just kind of snap out of it.

The good news is though, thinking positively, today would be day #6 past my normal cycle start date. I am never late when it comes to that every month. I have no signs that it will be starting or anything like that. So that is the sign that will get me through until Monday's test results are in. Going to be a long weekend but we are getting there slowly but surely right? :)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

4 More days to go for THE NEWS

Well I woke up this morning feeling pretty darn good considering my injection last night hurt like crazy. This one turned black and blue for some reason so I went to sleep in a little bit of pain. But this morning I am feeling better and I actually was able to sleep so who knows.

With 4 more days to go until we hear THE NEWS I am growing antsy to say the least. Tomorrow first thing I go for my first blood work which my doctor will not report back to us on as this is the starting point test so to speak. I was thinking of asking the lab to call me with the results as well but think I will just leave that alone. All I know at this point in time is I feel pretty good and since I have had no spotting and I have no signs a cycle will be starting I am taking that as my sign that something wonderful is happening. That keeps me going and keeps me focused. That's what I need to continue to do to get me through these next few days.

We know we have LOTS of family and friends praying for us every day and we say ours ever day as well. I am sure the big man upstairs has a jar full of each and every one of them. Taking great care to keep them all safe in one place for us. Time will tell but I still feel it's going to be great news.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Why I will do NO MORE home preganancy tests

I woke up this morning with all these thoughts in my head. Had a hard time sleeping of course and that makes me a little cranky. But, I am all good I think. I took a stupid test and of course nothing. Which I knew it would say because it is still way too early. But I did it anyway. I was sad for a quick moment then reminded myself that it's too early and I wasn't expecting it to say congrats anyway. I snapped myself out of feeling like I wanted to cry and made myself a promise to never take one of those again until after Monday's blood test results come back from our doctor :)

I have been doing lots of research on healthy eggs for transfer on day 3 and what they should look like and how many cells and all that good stuff. Based on what I have learned and seen pictures of, ours look awesome and have a good chance. I have done all I could do to keep these little ones safe and happy in there hoping 1 or all will result in a miracle for us soon. Nature is now taking it's course and really if you think about it, Monday is only 5 more days away. I have managed to make it through all these months of waiting so 5 more days will not kill me right? lol

Jim will be in Chicago on Monday when I go for my blood work and wait for the results. I think that day will be the hardest waiting day ever for me. With him not hear and if the results are not in our favor I will be a complete wreck all by myself. That's hard to think about but hoping all is awesome and then I will be all smiles and happy tears as my fur babies look at me and try to figure out what the heck has happened to our mom? lol

I am staying positive and so is Jim so I think we are doing the best we can with this waiting period. Hopefully we can continue that way. Keep you posted. Keep praying :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Okay, so I did it

Yeppers, I did it. Ugh, can't believe it. I did what I said I wasn't going to do and I'm not happy with myself :( I picked up some HPT this morning while I was out running and errand. They now sit in my bathroom just like glaring at me. I finally threw them in my bottom drawer and left the room. lol I know it is still too early to test but I recvd a link last night, Thank you Mrs. Sara lol, and I was amazed and laughing at how many tests some of these women take during this process. It was an interesting read to say the least.

I really was hoping I would make it through without purchasing any of these things. I mean, after all, I have to get stuck for blood this Friday in the morning and then again Monday morning and that is pain enough to find out some news.I know implant can happen between 3 - 5 days after transfer and the body does not start producing the HCG hormone until after implant. So with this being the case I know that would mean that anytime starting Sunday and today implant could be taking place. Then it takes a while for HCG to register on those tests so just doesn't seem worth taking the test until at least sometime this weekend. But I have them now none the less. Hopefully I can restrain but you just never know. If I do test and it does not register I will do my best not to get down because almost always it won't show until days down the road.Funny how the mind plays these tricks on us during times like this. I will resist the urge as long as possible and hope for the best.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The wait continues

I think for the most part the waiting hasn't been too bad for me yet. I am relaxed and not feeling anxiety or stress to know what is happening right now. I guess in my mind thought I am just enjoying the thought of what might be and for now I am okay with that. I don't know maybe that sounds strange but I am calm and just letting nature do what it needs to do right now and believing that this chance came our way for a reason and that reason is our miracle.

I have had some ask if I have taken or will start taking any at home tests. Honestly, I have no desire to want to do that, at least at this point in time :) lol That may change come next Monday when I know I will be anxious to hear from the doctor's office on my blood work from that morning. But I figure why waste money on something that most likely won't show anything yet and take that chance that it brings me down from the wonder of the possibility? I think that is what is keeping me so relaxed right now with a smile on my face.

Jim asked me last night if I felt pregnant yet. I just smiled and rubbed my belly, as I have been doing a lot lately, and said you know I think we are going to be but think it's still working itself out. He tells me to take care of all the little M&M's or little peanuts and I reply that I am doing my very best to make sure they are happy and comfortable. He seems to be accepting with that reply. lol

Last night I slept pretty good and that was really nice for a change. Whenever Jim has to give me that injection in the muscle it's usually brutal for me to sleep at night. So it was a welcome change. I was having really great dreams and I remember waking up smiling remembering what they were all about and hoping my mind was trying to tell me something great sometime very soon. Positive thinking right. They say that is half the battle so hopefully I'm doing a good job in that department.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Discussing Options

As I still remain inactive, lol, a lot of things cross my mind these days. Hoping all 3 little ones are doing wonderful and hoping for our miracle outcome in the end. But with all the possible "What If's" comes those reality type questions of, what if this works and it's twins or even triplets? I mean, with 3 transferred embryos it's a possibility those options could happen.

I feel in my heart of hearts that if all 3 were to take we would be so overjoyed and our family would truly be complete. However, in reality and with the real world we live in not sure it's something we could handle right now. Jim and I were talking about these very things more today than we have in the past few days. If God blessed us with 3 beautiful miracles it would be a blessing in more ways than one. But we also know that 3 little ones on one income in today's economy would be a struggle. It's one of those pull at your heart strings kind of things I guess. I know in our heart of hearts we would love to keep all 3 but not sure that would be the right thing for the little ones or ourselves. This topic has been on my mind since the moment we received all of them back and it makes me smile and feel just amazing at what could be happening right now. It's one that puts me at a turmoil of the decisions we would have to make. Honestly, not sure what we would do because keeping them all is our first instinct but thinking of the children would have to be our first priority you know.

It would be the most difficult thing we would ever have to do to make a choice like that after all we have been through and all we have done to come this far for a family of our own. But I also know how it feels to be a parent in waiting for that one call to say, this bmom would like to match with you are you ready? Being on both sides of that fence and knowing how emotional and also rewarding that can be humbles my heart when I think about...could we if we had to make that choice for one of children for a better life for all 3? We won't know until if or when that situation came into play but it's something I think about and wonder if I could be strong enough to let one go over the other 2. Makes me feel guilty but trying to think realistically for the just in case so I am as prepared as I can be if I need to be.

Honestly, knowing how it feels to want a family so badly that you do anything and everything in your power to make that a reality I would hope I would be strong enough to make the right decision for us and our children. I have a close friend that is near and dear to my heart. Her and her husband have been trying for years and her story breaks my heart because it's just not fair. They are wonderful fun people who deserve to have a chance at being great parents. I know in my heart of hearts that if that heartbreaking decision ever needed to be made I would feel at peace knowing our child was with them. They would be loved and given everything in life and they would remain a part of our extended family forever. I mean, to think about it, we would have our miracles and we could give them theirs.

God never gives us more than we can handle and we believe that. Time will tell what is meant to be and I will continue to hope all 3 are still getting along in there and someday ready for this world. He will help us make the right choices and no matter what we will feel at peace and always feel blessed.

I just wanted to share the thoughts that run through my head at times because it helps me clear my head and see things clearer. I don't think these thoughts make me a bad person or that I should be ashamed that I have them. I think it's a normal thing and in time we will know what is meant to be and what isn't. So, going to relax, enjoy and take care of what I have to for things to work out in our favor in the end.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Still on bed rest

I don't think I ever really knew how long 48 hours really was until I started my 48 hours yesterday at 11:00 AM. Yeppers. Being on bed rest isn"t as easy as I thought it would be. Maybe if I could roll on my side from time to time or get up and roam around for a few minutes here and there I wouldn't feel like I was going stir crazy.

But at the same time I know it's all for a great cause so it helps me to get through the long hours. I look at our pictures from yesterday and they remind me of the wonderful amazing little ones I am trying to carry and turn into a miracle. Every step of this process so far has been worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I had a really hard time sleeping last night because my mind just kept going and going. I just couldn't seem to stop it. lol Just thinking about how this is the closest we have ever come to a little one warms my heart and just brings the biggest smile to my face. Jim woke up this morning and asked me how the 3 little musketeers are doing and it made my whole day right there. Not sure what will happen from here on out with this journey, but we have a great feeling this is all meant to be! This chance came our way for a reason and great things are about to happen. Everything happens for a reason right :)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Today's big event

Well, now the wait begins. Still trying to let it all sink in. My heart is smiling soooo big right now it's just incredible. We know the waiting over the next two weeks is going to seem like forever but we are going to stay positive and enjoy the thoughts of what could be :)

The procedure went by so quickly and without any issues. Our doctor was just wonderful and they took pictures of our 3 little one right before transfer and when they handed it to me I cried. There they were, all 3 of them, growing and just waiting to become our miracle.Just amazing and so hard to put into words. Jim was right by my side to see the whole thing and I loved that part of just being able to share that with him. I have attached two separate links that show the photos we recvd today and they turned out awesome. Jim did a great job and he has been just wonderful :) time will tell what is meant to be but we feel we have a pretty good thing started so hopefully this is all just meant to be. :) Enjoy

Will today be THE DAY?

I sit here trying to be as patient as I can but it's not easy. Waiting for the phone to ring and hoping the news on the other end is still great and promising is torture. I have been getting things ready around the house so it is as easy as possible for Jim and the fur babies over the next few days.

After the transfer takes place I will be on bed rest for 2-3 days. Not sure what I will do with myself but I will have my laptop with me to keep me company. I'm sure my kids will snuggle with me too :) lol We are really hoping today will be the day the transfer takes place. We are hoping all 3 little ones are still growing like they need to do and if they all are good to go we will transfer all 3 to increase our odds of at least 1 attaching and doing it's thing. We would be thrilled with twins to but if all 3 take, not sure what we will do. The odds of that happening though are slim so I think that is why we will take the chance if that is the option in front of us.

I'll update the blog later today after we hear news and all that good stuff.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Waiting is my biggest weak spot

Today I am doing my best to keep myself busy and my mind off what is happening with the 3 little eggs. It's not an easy task for me by any means and I so wish I could call and find out if they are still growing as they should be for piece of mind if nothing else. Hmm, we trust our doctor knows what he is doing as well as all of his staff. We know our embryos are in wonderful hands but hearing an update would ease our minds greatly at this time.

Going on the assumption that no news is good news I guess. If something were wrong I'm sure they would call and let us know. We will hear something tomorrow either way so hopefully I can survive without news until then.

I have had a lot of things crossing through my mind already this morning. Wondering if all 3 continue to grow as they should and they are all good quality, do we transfer all 3 back and increase our chances of at least 1 taking and continuing to grow? Then there is a risk that all 3 might take and then what do you do? Not sure I could do the selective reduction thing because I just don't have that in me and it would break my heart to have to choose. I know we are okay if 2 attach and grow but 3...yikes, that could be a little scary ya know. Chances of all 3 attaching we know are slim, but it's not impossible either. Guess we will see where things are sitting tomorrow and maybe only 2 will be doing what they should be doing and this will be a non issue. I know our doctor would have the best advice when the time comes of what we should do and we trust him so that will be a guidance tool for us as well. God never gives us more than we can handle right? :)

Hoping tomorrow will be our day for transfer but like I have mentioned, it all depends on how things are moving along on the other side of things. If it's not tomorrow it will be Sat sometime for sure. Not sure I can make it until Sat so let's really hope and pray for tomorrow :) Thinking positive.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

We got the news :)

We just recvd the phone call from our doctor's office on how our little one's did last night. lol here is the run down:

They retrieved 7 eggs. Of those 7 only 6 were mature. Of those 6.... 3 fertilized and are growing well at this point in time. So we have a chance of 3 making it to transfer day which will hopefully be Thursday.

This is awesome news and we are soooo excited. Hard to imagine all of this is actually happening but it's fun to think about and just imagine all the "What If" fun things.
Jim had to give me my first Progesterone shot in my muscle last night and it was a little intimidating for us both. It took me some time to get use to giving myself shots and since Jim had never had to give anyone a shot before we were both a little nervous. But, he did an awesome job and I barely felt the BIG needle itself. I am a little sore in that area today but it is bearable. Luckily I only have to have those every 3 days :) so I am shot free until Thursday night. Yahooooooo. I'm liking that.

We are relieved to hear this great news today and now it's in God's hands to care for them while they grow and wait for transfer. Not sure yet at this time how many we will transfer as it also depends on how they grow, which ones are healthy and how many make it to transfer day. If all 3 make it Jim would like to have all 3 transfer ed but I'm not really sure on that many just yet. Guess we will see as the day approaches and what our doctor recommends. We trust him completely so following his advice will not be too hard to do :) lol

We are saying our prayers and hoping for the best in the next few days. We'll keep you all posted and hopefully soon we will have some really great news to share :)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Our first BIG day in our IVF journey

Today was the day that all our hard work over the past month in a half will start to pay off. The procedure for the egg retrieval went very well and I left with a big smile on my face and feeling very good after the procedure was over.

When I finally woke up we were told it all went very well and that they were able to capture 7 eggs total. This was so exciting and such great news to hear as we were hoping for at least 4 and worked really hard for a few extra days and got 7. That is Jim's lucky number too so we think it means good things are coming our way here soon :) Positive thinking right?

They will call us tomorrow sometime to let us know if Jim's swimmers and my eggs liked each other overnight and they fertilized like they should. Then looking at Thursday sometime for transfer as long as all goes well. Lots of waiting but this is where it gets kind of exciting too. Just wondering what could be and could this really be the chance we have been waiting for to start our family?

It's strange for me to think that we have eggs sitting in a dish on a counter somewhere hopefully doing amazing things and could possibly be our future child. We were talking before the procedure and pondering how many we might have to transfer and if it works will we have or a boy or a girl and how I might look all round and pregnant? We got a few good chuckles in on all that fun stuff. I guess for us, the road has had so many pitfalls and heartaches that's it's a nice feeling to at least have this chance to try IVF when a year or so ago it was not an option. The constant wonder of always thinking "What If" we had tried instead of trying the adoption route? Would it have worked back then and we would have avoided the pain of our long failed adoption process? Will it work this time and was it meant to be for Jim to start a new job that had this great benefit as part of his insurance? There is something about all of this that just feels right in my heart and something inside telling me to continue to pray and remain strong and positive for something wonderful is about to happen and our family will begin soon. That could still mean that adoption will work out in the end or this IVF try is going to work out in the end. But in my heart something is going to happen and we will be parents by the end of 09. I just know it. Hope this all rings true somehow because it's the one thing we want more than anything in the world at this time in our lives. There is a reason for everything I truly believe that and I guess in time we will know what all these reasons are :)

Thinking positive and hoping for our miracle :)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Wondering about the possibility

Today my brain has been on non stop GO since I woke up this morning. Tonight is the night I will give myself "The Shot" to release all the eggs from the follicles that have grown through all the IVF meds and injections. Hoping for 7-8 eggs if we are really lucky to work with staring Monday at 10:15 AM. the more we have the better our chances they say. I imagine the eggs racing down the path hoping to be THE ONE they catch and the one that turns into our miracle we so badly want and pray for. Have I done all I can to make this a success, are my eggs healthy, will they grow and attach when the time comes. Just so many things to think about and try to remain calm at the same time. Not always an easy task for me. ha ha ha

I have been actually sitting in the recliner chair that we purchased for the nursery and doing some cross stitch patterns for the little ones room. I feel at peace in there for the first time in months since our failed adoption early Dec of 2008. I find myself able to relax and smile in the nursery now and I imagine what it could be like if this chance before us actually works. It keeps me moving forward and believing somehow someway a little miracle will be in our lives to love and cherish sooner than later. It's also a little scary because I want to prepare myself for the possibility that it may not work at the same time. I just keep telling myself that we have done all we can do on our side of things and that soon it will be in Gods hands and whatever the outcome we will be okay and continue to stay strong and look back at the adoption journey once again. But in reality I know in my heart I will be absolutely crushed and just a complete emotional mess. Ugh, it's just something that time will have to tell us and believe me.........I have had to learn my patience the hard way when it comes to TIME and WAITING!

I am anxious and nervous about Monday's big event. Want to know how many eggs they retrieved and are they healthy? Get them growing in the dish and lets get them transferred as soon as possible :) I am soooo ready for that part of this process. I know I will be on complete bed rest for 48 hours after transfer and I am very okay with that process. I will be making up meals on Tuesday so all Jim will have to do is warm food up for me and make sure I have lots of good movies to watch. lol This will be interesting to the least. He's looking forward to waiting on me hand and foot. ha ha ha...Not but it will be good practice for him right :)

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday February 13, 2009

As many of you know Jim and I have had a long difficult road in starting our own family. To say it's been a long journey seems pale in comparrison to what many other couples have had to endure in their quest for a family of their own as well. I never really knew so many people in the world were effected by infertility until we became one of those couples.

Life has tought us many hard lessons over the past almost two years. None of them we will forget but have learned to take as a stepping stone to another something positive along the way.

Jim and I started talking about a family before we got married and knew it was something we wanted to start right away. It wasn't long after we said "I Do" that we soon learned that starting a family was not going to be an easy task like we thought it would be. It's just the natural process of how things are suppose to work and we knew we were ready and at the right point in our lives to give it a try. After only a few months I became impatient and wondering why things weren't happening. As most of you know I am NOT the most patient person in the world so when things don't happen right away I have to know why that is. LOL We went to see a fertility specialist and all the horrible testing was done and at the end of it all we were both emotionally and mentally torn apart. The blaming of ourselves, the why is this happening, what did we do so wrong and all those othe rmillion questions that run through your mind when you hear...Your ONLY chance at a family is through IVF! It was one of the worst times in our lives and we almost didn't make it through. It was horrible and one of the lowest points I had ever been. Never knew I had so many tears or could feel that incomplete and lost inside.

After we worked through all the emotions that came along with this news we were able to start thinking somewhat clearly again and weighing our options. I of course wanted to jump right in and try IVF but the problem was, neither of our insurance companies paid for ANY of that procedure. Another pothole in our journey. The cost. Ugh, why it always comes down to money is sad but it's reality none the less. After careful consideration we passed on trying IVFand went right into looking into adoption. At least with adoption, sooner or later there would be a baby at the end and IVF is never a promise for that.

We signed with an attorney in June of 2008 and matched with a bmom due Dec 9, 2008. It was the worst case senario when it came to this match and she was the most difficult of bmoms our attorney says he has ever had. Just our luck huh. Just a horrible emotional financially bad situation for 7 months. But we hung in there and just wanted the little one to be born so we could give her a great life full of love and wonder that she so deserved. It was Dec 2, 2008 and the bmom started making demands from us for more money after delivery. Now you have to realize that since we matched with her we paid for her rent, food, transportaion, cell phone and stuff like that. A lot of money went out the door for her care. Yet, she refused for whatever reason to EVER get her butt to the doctor. It was all just very scary for us but we cared for that baby she was carrying and wanted to give her a chance so we remained with this bmom through everything. When she demanded 3k more we had to say no and 1500 was our max after delivery and after transfer of parental rights was signed. She wanted more and told our attorney to find another couple that could afford the adoption and to pay her demands as well. Nice huh. Ugh. Our hearts were broken and we had to let her go. We grieved for this child we had already grown to love and welcome into our lives and now she was gone. The grief is hard to even explain but we went through the grieving process and are continuing our adoption journey still to this day.

A spark of hope. Jim took a new job and I decided for giggles to check into his insurance to see if they cover IVF. Yeppers, we got lucky and they do. We were soooooo excited and thought this was a sign from above that this was our chance. What do we have to loose? We have always wondered "What If" and now we can find an answer to that question either way :) YAAA We have been doing all the meds and injections to prepare for the big day coming up this coming Monday February 16, 2009. So far so good. I had a few issues along the medication highway but I am right back on track and our doctor is very optimistic and says things look wonderful right now and we are on track. I so needed to hear that this morning after my appointment and I have been smiles ever since. Never thought I would see the day I would be able to give myslef injections but I was so proud I could because I want this so badly that the pain and setbacks will all be worth it in the end. We are staying positve and hoping for our miracle. It's a chance we didn't have a year and a half ago so we are taking it as a blessing that we have this opportunity to try now.

Though our journey has been long and with pit falls along the way, we know some day and some how we will be parents. When that day happens that little one will have more love and support than they will ever know what to do with. Our miracle is out there and hopefully someday sooner than later we will meet him/her.