Friday February 13, 2009

As many of you know Jim and I have had a long difficult road in starting our own family. To say it's been a long journey seems pale in comparrison to what many other couples have had to endure in their quest for a family of their own as well. I never really knew so many people in the world were effected by infertility until we became one of those couples.



Life has tought us many hard lessons over the past almost two years. None of them we will forget but have learned to take as a stepping stone to another something positive along the way.



Jim and I started talking about a family before we got married and knew it was something we wanted to start right away. It wasn't long after we said "I Do" that we soon learned that starting a family was not going to be an easy task like we thought it would be. It's just the natural process of how things are suppose to work and we knew we were ready and at the right point in our lives to give it a try. After only a few months I became impatient and wondering why things weren't happening. As most of you know I am NOT the most patient person in the world so when things don't happen right away I have to know why that is. LOL We went to see a fertility specialist and all the horrible testing was done and at the end of it all we were both emotionally and mentally torn apart. The blaming of ourselves, the why is this happening, what did we do so wrong and all those othe rmillion questions that run through your mind when you hear...Your ONLY chance at a family is through IVF! It was one of the worst times in our lives and we almost didn't make it through. It was horrible and one of the lowest points I had ever been. Never knew I had so many tears or could feel that incomplete and lost inside.



After we worked through all the emotions that came along with this news we were able to start thinking somewhat clearly again and weighing our options. I of course wanted to jump right in and try IVF but the problem was, neither of our insurance companies paid for ANY of that procedure. Another pothole in our journey. The cost. Ugh, why it always comes down to money is sad but it's reality none the less. After careful consideration we passed on trying IVFand went right into looking into adoption. At least with adoption, sooner or later there would be a baby at the end and IVF is never a promise for that.



We signed with an attorney in June of 2008 and matched with a bmom due Dec 9, 2008. It was the worst case senario when it came to this match and she was the most difficult of bmoms our attorney says he has ever had. Just our luck huh. Just a horrible emotional financially bad situation for 7 months. But we hung in there and just wanted the little one to be born so we could give her a great life full of love and wonder that she so deserved. It was Dec 2, 2008 and the bmom started making demands from us for more money after delivery. Now you have to realize that since we matched with her we paid for her rent, food, transportaion, cell phone and stuff like that. A lot of money went out the door for her care. Yet, she refused for whatever reason to EVER get her butt to the doctor. It was all just very scary for us but we cared for that baby she was carrying and wanted to give her a chance so we remained with this bmom through everything. When she demanded 3k more we had to say no and 1500 was our max after delivery and after transfer of parental rights was signed. She wanted more and told our attorney to find another couple that could afford the adoption and to pay her demands as well. Nice huh. Ugh. Our hearts were broken and we had to let her go. We grieved for this child we had already grown to love and welcome into our lives and now she was gone. The grief is hard to even explain but we went through the grieving process and are continuing our adoption journey still to this day.



A spark of hope. Jim took a new job and I decided for giggles to check into his insurance to see if they cover IVF. Yeppers, we got lucky and they do. We were soooooo excited and thought this was a sign from above that this was our chance. What do we have to loose? We have always wondered "What If" and now we can find an answer to that question either way :) YAAA We have been doing all the meds and injections to prepare for the big day coming up this coming Monday February 16, 2009. So far so good. I had a few issues along the medication highway but I am right back on track and our doctor is very optimistic and says things look wonderful right now and we are on track. I so needed to hear that this morning after my appointment and I have been smiles ever since. Never thought I would see the day I would be able to give myslef injections but I was so proud I could because I want this so badly that the pain and setbacks will all be worth it in the end. We are staying positve and hoping for our miracle. It's a chance we didn't have a year and a half ago so we are taking it as a blessing that we have this opportunity to try now.



Though our journey has been long and with pit falls along the way, we know some day and some how we will be parents. When that day happens that little one will have more love and support than they will ever know what to do with. Our miracle is out there and hopefully someday sooner than later we will meet him/her.